


I Call a Do-Over

by deanislife



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Do-Over, First Kiss, Fix-It, M/M, choices for love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 23:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5068405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanislife/pseuds/deanislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thanks to Gabriel, Dean gets an opportunity to see things from a new perspective. What is he willing to do to get a do-over? Takes place just before Dean gets attacked in Season 3, Episode 16. Scenes from other episodes make their appearances as well.</p><p>Feedback would be welcomed. Thanks!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Call a Do-Over

As Sam pled his case to Ruby, Dean grabbed him and spun Sam around to face him. Sam shook Dean’s hands from his arms and shouted, “I’m not gonna let you go to Hell, Dean!”

“Yes you are!” Dean yelled back. His eyes glaring into Sam’s, he restated the obvious. “Yes, you are. I’m sorry! I mean this is all my fault. I know that. But what you’re doin’. It’s not gonna save me. It’s only gonna kill you.”

Sam rolled his eyes away from and then back to his brother, frustration, anger and fear heavy in his eyes. “What am I supposed to do?’

Dean calmly looked into his brother’s eyes, mustering up all of his own strength, and said, “Keep fightin’. Take care of my wheels.”

With the pain of grief heavy in his voice and reflected back at him from Sam’s face, Dean tried to give his brother what he would need to continue.

“Sam, remember what Dad taught you. Okay?” Sam nodded in understanding. “And remember what I taught you.”

Sam found the will to give his brother a small sad smile, and Dean returned it. As the clock began to strike midnight, Dean realized he hadn’t yet said the words he really wanted to say. Was he brave enough to say them now? With Ruby standing there watching them? Was it just more selfishness on his part to say them now when nothing could be done about it? He still needed to know that his brother understood. He needed that before he was pulled into Hell. 

He turned back to face Sam and saw the tears in his brother’s eyes. He couldn’t leave without telling Sam the truth.

“I love you, little brother.” Sam’s breath hitched in his chest, but he nodded in return. Dean shook his head slightly and looked straight into Sam’s eyes. “No, Sam. I mean it. I love you!”

Sam’s eyes widened, and he took a step toward Dean. As his hand reached toward Dean, everything stopped.

“Well it took you long enough!” a voice from behind Dean said in exasperation. 

Dean whipped his head around toward the voice and saw the Trickster standing in front of him with a huge smile on his face and a lewd twinkle in his eyes.

“You!” Dean spluttered. “What? What the hell?”

“Always so eloquent, Dean.” He laughed. 

“What the hell is going on?” Dean said shaking his head. “Why do you keep screwing with us? What did we do that was bad enough for you to do this?”

“What did you do?” The Trickster yelled angrily. “You tried to kill me! Not once, but twice! And that oaf…” The Trickster waved his arm in Sam’s direction. “...wouldn’t learn the lesson I was trying to teach him. I’m trying to help you guys here, but neither one of you wants to listen.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean blustered. 

“Look at him!” The Trickster said pointing at Sam. “Look at his face!”

Dean turned and looked at Sam. He shrugged, not understanding what The Trickster was getting at. He moved closer to Sam and looked again. 

“LOOK at him!” The Trickster says again, moving toward Sam himself. “What did you just say to him? And no need to be coy. I was here and I heard you. I know what you meant.” 

Dean’s face heated quickly with a deep blush. Without looking at The Trickster, he answered the question. “I told him that I love him.”

“YES!” The Trickster shouts. “Finally one of you idiots had the balls to say it! Now, look at his face!”

Dean moved even closer to Sam and really looked at his brother. There he was in all of his shaggy haired glory. His beautiful hazel eyes a bit wider than normal, wet from unshed tears. But behind that Dean thought he could see what The Trickster was trying to get him to see. There is hope there. And something else. Something he had been seeing in Sam’s eyes for years, but never could understand and wouldn’t allow himself to explore too closely. 

“Do you see it?” The Trickster asked softly. “Do you see what I’m talking about?”

Dean shrugged, but couldn’t drag his eyes away from his brother’s face. He was mesmerized, and the words were stuck in his throat. “I see hope there mixed in with sadness and something else.”

“Dean, you are such a wimp when it comes to this emotional shit! He is in love with you, too.” When he didn’t get any response, the Trickster shook his head and continued. “Now I’m going to let this move just the slightest bit forward. He won’t realize anything out of the ordinary has happened. I want you to see what happens next.” The Trickster reached forward and smacked Dean in the back of the head. “Pay attention!”

The clock began to ring the hour again, and Sam continued to reach toward Dean. His face softening and his eyes becoming bluer and clearer. Sam touched Dean’s face gently with the very tips of his fingers and said, “Dean, I love you, too.” And then everything freezes again.

“Do you see that?” The Trickster asks. He shakes his head as he sees the tears in Dean’s eyes. “Now that it is absolutely too late for it to do either of you any good, you let him see the real you. You dick! What is that supposed to do for him? Or for you for that matter?”

“I don’t know!” Dean sobs, lifting his hand to place it over Sam’s, gently placing his own cheek in his brother's palm. “I… I was scared. I didn’t want him to leave me again. I didn’t want him to push me away.”

“Him push you away? Are you freaking kidding me?” The Trickster shakes his head. “Dean! All you have ever done is push him away. He kept coming back to you, man! Why didn’t you ever see that?”

“What are you talking about? He left me and went to Stanford. He left me and ended up with that Meg bitch. He always walked away. I couldn’t handle it if he did it again. But I wanted him to know before I was gone.”

“Geez! You are just as hard headed as he is! You know that, right?”

Dean wiped his tears off his face and shook his head. “We are brothers after all. It would be weird if we didn’t have some things in common, you know?”

“Winchesters!” The Trickster grunts. He reaches out and touches Dean’s shoulder. “I have something I want to show you.”

And with that they are gone. Dean finds himself standing in a blank white room. He can hear The Trickster muttering to himself and then he feels a hand on his shoulder again.

When Dean is next aware of where he is, he finds himself sitting in a random motel room. No big surprise. He felt like he was always sitting in a random motel room. He thought he remembered this one though. The walls are decorated in wallpaper that looks like a forest, and there is a mounted deer’s head on the wall across from the beds. He’d been here before. He caught a look at his face in the mirror beside the room door and gasps. He looked younger. Like he had gone back in time.

“Oh God!” Dean thinks, realizing when he was. “Not this!”

Just then the motel room door opened and a very angry Sam walked in. 

“Thanks a lot, Dean!” Sam mutters as he slams the door behind him. “You hung me out, man!”

“I did not! Don’t be a drama queen!” Dean responds, just like he had the first time. It was a weird sensation. He was absolutely aware of his current state of mind, but he could also feel everything he had originally felt in the moment. He knew what he was going to say and just decided to follow the script.

“You did, too! Just because you want to be Dad’s perfect little soldier doesn’t mean you can toss me under the bus! You are such a jerk!”

“And you’re a little bitch!” Dean laughs. “And I didn’t hang you out, man! I was trying to back you up.”

“By telling Dad that I’m better than this, and that I deserve to have more in my life? How is that backing me up? It made me sound like I thought I was above all of this. Like I was too good for you guys. How exactly was Dad supposed to take that?”

“I don’t know, man! I thought he would realize that there is more to you than killing evil shit. You’re smart, Sammy! You’re important, and you can do great things if he would just let you. I was hoping that he would see your potential beyond researching wendigos and ghouls. You have the opportunity to do something great and productive with your life away from all of this. I want that for you.”

“Oh!” Sam responds in a small voice. “Thanks.”

Sam kept his head down for few minutes, but Dean knew he wasn’t done. He could feel Sam’s gears turning from across the room. When Sam looked up into Dean’s eyes, the Dean with the recent realization sees that look of something more again in Sam’s eyes. Just as Sam was about to say something, The Trickster stopped time again. 

“Dean! Do you remember what happened here?”

“Yeah, he started to say something to me, but I got nervous. I held up my hands to stop him and said something about not getting mushy and getting ready for bed. I remember he looked hurt like he always does, and he laughed.”

“Okay.” The Trickster responded. “Let’s try something. How about I run this forward, but you change your response. You can see the look in his eyes, right? You recognize that don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But Dean did know. He could see that look of hope and something more.

“Damn it, Dean!” The Trickster grunted in frustration. “You are SO Winchester! Okay, I’ll let it run through the way it actually happened. Let’s see how you like that.”

Time began to flow again. Dean watched Sam’s face closer than he had the first time. 

“Dean…” Sam started.

“No, no, no, no. You know my motto, Sammy. No chick flick moments! Now, go get in the shower.”

Sam hung his head and let out a small, hurt laugh. Dean felt his heart twist in his chest. Sam looked like Dean had just kicked him. As Dean got up and said something about getting in the shower if Sam didn’t want to, he felt his past body leave him behind. He could now see himself from outside of his skin. The Trickster was beside him again. 

“Alright. If you won’t play my way, I’ll do it this way.” He said quietly.

The past Dean continued into the shower leaving Sam, The Trickster and Dean in the room. As soon as the bathroom door closed, Sam fell face down on the bed, sobbing. Dean reached out for him, but he had no substance. He couldn’t offer his brother any comfort. Dean moved to sit beside Sam anyway. He could hear Sam muttering into the mattress.

“Dean, you asshole!” he heard Sam say with a shuddering breath. “Why do you do that? Why do you bring me in, say something so amazing, just to push me away? Why can’t you just let me in?”

Dean felt himself gasp. He really hurt Sam. At the time this happened, Dean was trying desperately to let Sam go. He wanted what was best for him. Sam could really go somewhere, make a life for himself. That’s what Dean wanted. He wanted Sam to have an apple pie life, away from the blood and the pain. He didn’t want him stuck in cheap, run down motel rooms, hunched over books and computers trying to find a trail to something that could potentially kill them. He thought he was doing the right thing. Now he could see that all he had accomplished was making Sam angry and sad. He had pushed Sam away.

“Okay.” The Trickster said reaching for Dean again. “Let’s go.”

Dean found himself back in the white room. As he looked around he realized that this wasn’t right. There was no way the Trickster had this kind of power. Just as he was going to ask what the hell was going on, he felt that hand on his shoulder again and blinked.

This time Dean found himself standing by a door in what looked like a doctor’s office. He locked the door and watched three people walk off down the hall away from him. It took Dean a minute to remember when this was, but when it clicked he realized what The Trickster was trying to show him. He turned around to see Sam sitting on an examination table behind him. He let the conversation start the way he remembered it.

“Wish we had a deck of cards or a foosball table or something.” He said walking back toward Sam. 

“Dean, don’t do this. Just get the hell outta here.” Sam pleaded with him.

“No way.” Dean said, just like the first time. He remembered feeling like he was going to fall apart when this happened before. He wanted to crawl out of his skin and lay on the floor bleeding to death.

“Give me my gun and leave.” Sam responded. 

“For the last time, Sam. No.” Dean glared at his brother. He knew if he left his brother like this, he would never be able to live through it. 

Sam punched the bed with frustration. “This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.”

Dean makes an over exaggerated thinking face in response as if he were actually considering Sam’s statement. “I don’t know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa.” He shivered.

“Dean, I’m sick. It’s over for me. It doesn’t have to be for you.” Sam pleaded. 

“No?” Dean asked incredulously.

“No! You can keep going!”

“Who says I want to?”

Sam looked at Dean in confusion. Dean just looked back with determination stitched into every inch of his face. 

“What?” Sam asks. Dean’s eyes dart away. The Trickster freezes everything.

“Here it is, Dean!” The Trickster states. “Another chance for one of you to do something about this. You know how you feel about him. You know you won’t be able to live without him. You know, right here, that your life will cease to matter if he does really die here. What did you do?”

“I didn’t get a chance to say anything.” Dean says

“Yes, you did. You didn’t take the chance.” The Trickster responds. “He’s right there. You have the time. What did you do instead?”

“I started talking about how tired I was of the life. How tired I was of all the weight on my shoulders. I made it sound like whatever happened I was ready to stop hunting. He asked me if I was just going to quit. He said something about Dad’s death being so hard on me. I remember I told him he was wrong. I said it wasn’t about that. He asked me what it was about. Why I was ready to throw in the towel. I was getting ready to tell him that I wouldn’t be able to go on without him. That if he was going, I wanted to go too. That my life had no meaning if he wasn’t part of it. Then that doctor came back and knocked on the door. I ran out of time.”

“No, Dean. You chose to make the conversation about something else. You didn’t say what you needed to say. This was a lost opportunity.”

“Okay, so the last one was me pushing Sam away instead of telling him how I felt. This was a lost opportunity. Why are you showing me this? What am I supposed to do about it? It’s too late now, isn’t it? I mean I’ve got hellhounds after my ass. They are at the door, and whenever you decide to wrap up this walk down memory lane, I’m Alpo.”

“Is that what you think?” The Trickster asked. “Let me show you something else.”

Blink. White room. Blink. Another motel room. Another conversation with Sam. 

This time Dean knew where they were right away, but he didn’t understand why. He was laying on his back on one of the beds. Sam was sitting across the room at the little table wearing one of his ever-present bitch-faces. 

“You know, seriously Sam, this isn’t just about hooking up, okay.” Dean said sitting up, trying to explain why he wanted Sam to give Sarah a chance. “I think that this Sarah girl could be good for you.”

Sam rolled his eyes and scoffed at Dean, avoiding eye contact.

“And I don’t mean any disrespect, but I’m sure this is about Jessica, right?” Sam looked up at Dean, anger and hurt in his eyes, and then away, but Dean kept talking. “Now I don’t know what it’s like to lose somebody like that… but… I would think that she would want you to be happy.” Sam looks back over to Dean with a stunned expression on his face, then looks away with tears glistening in his eyes. “Or, God forbid, have fun once in a while. Wouldn’t she?”

“Yeah, I know she would.” Sam replied, unable to look Dean in the face. Sam huffed out a breath and shook his head. “Yeah, you’re right. Part of this is about Jessica. But not the main part.”

Sam looked directly into Dean’s eyes, and Dean could see it again. That look that he now knows means a whole lot more than he ever gave it credit before. He can see that glimmer of something more, but this time there is a tinge of distress and disappointment. “What’s it about?” Dean asked his brother, hoping that Sam will say it this time. When Sam doesn’t respond, Dean lays back onto the bed with a sigh. “Yeah, alright.”

The Trickster stops everything again. Dean looks up at him without moving from his relaxed position on the bed. 

“He did it, too.” Dean said softly.

“Yep! He did.” The Trickster said. “Both of you idiots kept distancing yourselves. You pushed, he ran. You turned away, he avoided. Neither one of you would ever just open up your big, fat mouth and say what you knew was the truth. Both of you too afraid. Afraid of what? What society would say? When did you ever give a crap about what society thought about you? No one knew who you were. You could be anyone at any time. No one had to know anything! Were you afraid of what the other one would say? If the other one would leave you or push you away? Couldn’t either one of you see that was already happening because you weren’t talking about it? It was the elephant in the room for so long, and neither one of you had the guts to just say ‘Hey, man! I love you as more than just a brother. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it!’ Neither one of you was strong enough to fully trust the other one. Do you know how frustrating that is to watch?”

“Why do you care?” Dean asked. 

“What?” The Trickster said, caught off guard.

“Why. Do you. Care?” Dean repeated himself. “You haven’t done anything but try to rip us down since we first stumbled across you. Why are you taking me on this trip? Why do you care?”

“Let’s just say that you both remind me of some people I used to know. I don’t want history to repeat itself in a big way.”

“Well, that makes no sense!” Dean grunted. “And how do you have the power to do this? What the hell, man?”

“Look, I can’t get into the details right now, but trust me that I’ve seen this before with devastating consequences. If I don’t try and set this right, I’m going to have to watch it happen all over again. It nearly killed me the first time, and I don’t want to watch it happen again. Okay?”

Dean just nodded at him, still confused, but willing to see what The Trickster was getting at.

“Did Sam tell you about the continuous Tuesday I sent him through?”

“Yeah, and thanks so much for that!” Dean grumbled. “He watched my every move for weeks after that.”

“But did he say anything about how he felt about you? NO! Even though I made him live without you for 6 months, after watching you die in truly horrible ways over and over again. He still never said anything.”

“You made him live without me for 6 months? What a dick!”

“I wanted him to understand what life would be like without you. I wanted him to realize the depth of the pain he would have without you. He turned into a machine, man! He just ate and killed. And the only reason he ate was so he would have the strength to kill. He was absolutely miserable! When he got me to speak to him again, he begged me to bring you back. You know how he gets with the big puppy dog eyes and the sincere face. That shit is hard to turn down.”

Dean puffed out a laugh. “Yeah, man. I know.”

“So I brought you back, hoping that he would say something. He didn’t. Know why?”

“Why?”

“He was scared that you would force him to walk away from him. That you would push him away in such a spectacular manner that he wouldn’t ever be able to get you back. He knew what that would do to him. He had just lived through it. You. Permanently gone. For six whole months.”

“Shit!” Dean gasped. “I’m such a bastard!”

“You said it!”

“What do I do now? It’s too late!” 

“Do you seriously think I would waste all of this time on this with you if it were truly too late?” The Trickster laughed. “I don’t like you guys that much.”

“Gee, thanks!” Dean huffed.

The Trickster laughed and shook his head. 

“So now what?” Dean asked hungrily. Now that he knew there was potential here for so much more than he ever imagined, he was ready to get to it.

“Well, I can’t just let you live happily ever after. You have to work for it.” 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked warily.

“You have to choose a moment to redo. Something that will change the course of events in such a way that you won’t end up having to make that crossroads deal. That was stupid, man!”

“Yeah, I know.” Dean admitted. “I was desperate. I couldn’t even get through twenty-four hours without Sam. How the hell did he do six months?”

“He has always been so much better at this emotional stuff, but that wasn’t pretty.” The Trickster put his hand on Dean’s shoulder again. “You’re the one who has to fix this, Dean. You have the most to lose right now.”

Dean nodded. “What do I need to do?”

“You have to pick a moment when you can tell him the truth. Some point when you almost said something but didn’t. Some time that comes along before the deal. Once you decide, I’ll put you back in that moment. You will relive it. I will watch you. If you get it right, I’ll leave you to it. If you get it wrong, I put you back where I found you and you get to be some Hellhound’s dinner. Sound like a deal?”

“Yes.” Dean answered immediately. “But hang on! You didn’t answer my question?”

“Which question?” The Trickster said.

“The one about how you can do all of this.”

“Ah!” The Trickster looked away and thought for a second. “Okay. If this goes the way I hope it does, you aren’t going to remember this anyway, so I’ll tell you. I’m an angel.”

“What?” Dean asks incredulously. “Seriously, man. What?”

“I’m actually an archangel. My name is Gabriel. I used to be a messenger of God.” Gabriel catches the shock on Dean’s face and can’t help letting out a self-deprecating laugh. “I know. I don’t seem like all of that, but there is a valid reason for me to keep a low profile. But believe me! I’m telling the truth.”

“Okay. I’ll believe you. But I didn’t think angels were real.”

“You believe in demons and all the other things that go bump in the night, but didn’t believe in angels?” Gabriel asks. “That’s messed up, man!”

“I guess so. But I’ve never met one before. I have to see it to believe it.”

“Well, now you have.” Gabriel laughed. 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Back to business!” Gabriel stated. “You have your important moment in mind?”

“Yep!” Dean said.

“One more thing! If you get this right, after I leave you all of this current timeline ending with you becoming puppy chow will begin to fade from your memory. It may take a couple of days, but it will fade. You can’t tell anyone any of it, but I want you to hold onto something from this timeline, okay? Remember that night that you decided to stop for pie at that little diner in the middle of nowhere? You stayed in the car and sent Sam in alone. Remember that night?” The Trickster stopped and waited for Dean to signal that he knew exactly which night he was referring to. “You can’t do that this time around. You have to not stop for pie at that diner that night. You know which night, right?”

“Yes, I do. That was one of the worst nights of my life. And that is saying something!”

“Okay. So think for a minute. What can you do to change things before that night? And trust me on this. Being Alpo for those demon bitches is the least of your worries in this timeline. Things get much worse and even more warped after that.” Dean grimaced in response to Gabriel’s words. “Is there a time and a place that you can go back to and make a change?”

“Well, for one thing, I can’t let Sammy die on me! I can’t make any promises if he does.”

“Stubborn bastard!” The Trickster muttered. “Freaking Winchesters!”

“I know which night.” Dean stated, ignoring The Trickster’s slight of his entire bloodline.


	2. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has decided to make a change. Is he strong enough to move forward?

Dean hangs up his phone, a worried look on his face. 

“Something’s wrong!” he looks to where Sam is sitting, unmoving, on the end of his bed across the room. When he gets no response, he tries again. “You hear me? Something’s happened.”

“If you had just let me go in there,” Sam’s raspy voice comes from the semi-darkness. “I could have ended all this.”

Dean walks toward his brother, a concerned look on his face. Dean can see where Gabriel sits, watching him, in the corner. Get it right! He mouths to Dean.

“Sam! The only thing you would end was your life.” Dean turns and begins to move away.

Sam looks up at his brother’s back with a determined look on his face.

“You don’t know that.” He states, bluntly.

“So what? You’re just willing to sacrifice yourself? Is that it?”

Sam stands to his full height, looking Dean straight in the eye and says, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re damn right I am.”

“Well, that’s not gonna happen. Not as long as I’m around.” Dean responds, once again turning and moving away from Sam.

“What the hell are you talking about Dean? We’ve been searching for this demon our whole lives.” Sam says, letting his emotions run. “It’s the only thing we’ve ever cared about.”

That’s not entirely true, Dean thinks. He turns back to his brother and moves toward him again.

“Sam, I wanna waste it. I do. Okay? But it’s not worth dying over.”

“What?” Sam asks, incredulous.

“I mean it! If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing!” Dean’s voice rose in frustration.

“That thing killed Jess.” Sam’s face showed his anger and determination. Dean tilted his head slightly then looked square into Sam’s eyes, but never broke eye contact with his brother. Sam continued, “That thing killed mom.”

“Dude, you said it yourself once.” Dean paused. “That no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back.”

Sam’s anger and hopelessness burst out of him, and he took it out on the only person in the room by grabbing Dean’s shirt and slamming him back into the wall. 

“Don’t you say that! Not you!” Sam yelled, glaring at his brother while holding him in place. He shook his head at Dean, mere inches between them. “Not after all this, don’t you say that.”

Dean kept his face stone-like as he calmly stared back at Sam. Gabriel leaned forward waiting.

“Sam, look.” Dean started, trying to explain what was going on in his head. “The three of us. That’s all we have. It’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together, man. Without you and Dad…”

Sam’s anger left him as he realized exactly what his brother was saying to him. He loosened his hold on his brother, reached to smooth Dean’s shirt back into place, then let go and moved away, turning his back on his brother. 

Dean pushed himself away from the wall. As he stood with his shoulders slumped forward and his eyes on the floor, he began to talk.

“Sammy. I can’t do this without you. Not just the hunting. I mean the living. I can’t. You are what keeps me going. I have to have you to care about and care for or else I’m nothing. Taking care of you is what I’m best at. I can do all of it without Dad, I’ve kept it going for about a year or so, but the thought of moving forward without you is killing me. The thought of you no longer being in this world… I’d stop. I am nothing, nothing…” The Trickster nods in approval from his place near the wall.

“Dean! Stop!” Sam replied moving back toward his brother. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry!”

Sam reached out and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. He didn’t realize the level of pain his brother was in until he saw a tear fall to the floor. He tried to lean under Dean’s head to look into his face. When he couldn’t see, he gently lifted Dean’s face. Dean reluctantly lifted his head, but squeezed his eyes closed. Another tear slid down his cheek, and he reached up quickly to wipe it away.

“Dean! Look at me!” Sam said softly. When Dean opened his eyes, Sam caught his breath. “Talk to me, Dean! What is going on?”

“I can’t!” Dean responded pushing himself away from Sam. “I won’t! If you die, I die! That’s it! I’m not going to keep living in this shit if I don’t have you beside me! I just won’t do it!”

“Okay… okay.” Sam said calmly, trying to gentle his brother. He was completely at a loss here. He had no idea what was going on. He moved toward one of the beds and sat down. “Dean, you have to calm down here, man!”

“I know. I know!” Dean had his back toward Sam. His hand was covering his eyes, and his face was raised toward the ceiling. He dropped his hand back to his side and slowly turned to face his brother. He knew what he had to do to change the future that he had just lived, and almost died, through. He just didn’t realize how hard this was going to be. He glanced at The Trickster again, and then looked straight into Sam’s eyes. “Sammy, for the last three years, I’ve been trying to let you go. But you’re my brother! I’m responsible for you! That’s my job! If I can’t do my job, I’m worthless!”

“No, Dean! You’re not worthless!”

“Stop! Listen to me!” Dean cried out. “I do the job! I fight the fight! I do everything that Dad tells me to do, but I don’t have anything without you. Don’t you get it?” 

Sam shook his head, bewildered. “Dean, you’ve done just fine without me for three years. You’ve moved forward.”

“No!” Dean yelled, waving his hands. “I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t fine. I just didn’t realize how not fine I was until I thought about going to get you from Stanford. Once that thought entered my head, it was all I could think about. I could have looked for Dad by myself. I should have left you alone to continue your apple pie existence, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t move through another day without you by my side. And now, we’re here. So close to killing the thing that took mom away. And I don’t care! If killing that thing means losing you forever, I don’t care! You are more important than that! You are more important to me than mom or dad. You are more important than me! I need you to see that!”

Sam listened to every word and watched the emotions play across Dean’s face as he spoke. He was absolutely blown away by the depth of feeling he saw there. He had no idea that Dean felt this strongly about him! He stood up slowly and moved toward his brother. When he was right in front of Dean, he wrapped his arms around his big brother and hugged him.

“You’re not going to lose me again.” Sam spoke softly. “I’m right here. And you’re NOT worthless. You’re NOT nothing. You are the single most important person in my life. You are my hero and have been my whole life.” Sam paused to take a deep breath. “I couldn’t count on anyone else when I was a kid. You know that! Definitely not Dad! All I had was you! And you were everything I needed. Even now, you are everything to me! You…you are smart, and strong, and brave, and caring, and amazing! You have so much more in you than you show to the world. I can see it! If other people could see half of what you are, they would fall at your feet. But Dad broke you! Time after time! I could see it happening, and I was so pissed, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it! He kept tearing little pieces away. And I couldn’t put them back together. Couldn’t put you back together. I tried, but you wouldn’t let me.” Sam sighed. “You kept pushing me away. Dean! God! You are so much more than what he allows you to be. So much more than the ‘good little soldier.’ But you have only ever been able to see yourself through his eyes.”

Sam paused, allowing time for some of what he said to filter into Dean’s mind. Dean hadn’t moved. Gabriel kept his peace in the corner, watching what would happen. He wanted for Dean to be strong enough to let it all go. But Dean just stood there, pulled into Sam’s arms, without returning the hug. His forehead was against Sam’s shoulder, and Sam could feel Dean’s breathing. He waited a moment more and then whispered, “See yourself through my eyes for a change. Please!”

“I don’t know how, Sammy!” Dean whimpered. He shook his head back and forth, rolling his forehead along Sam’s shoulder. “I don’t know how.”

And then he was crying. Sam repositioned himself so that he was even closer to his brother and rubbed his hands up and down Dean’s back gently, trying to convey that it was all okay. That Dean could be this vulnerable with him, and Sam wouldn’t lose respect. 

They stayed that way for a little longer until Dean could get himself back under control. At some point, Dean had wrapped his arms around Sam’s lower back. When he felt he could maintain control of his emotions again, he patted Sam between the shoulder blades and moved back. He couldn’t look into Sam’s eyes yet, so he kept his head down and moved toward the kitchen.

Sam wanted to do something to ease Dean’s discomfort, but was at a loss as to what to do. Every instinct he had was telling him not to lose this contact with Dean, to keep him talking. He sighed deeply, ran a hand through his hair, and moved to sit on the bed. Dean returned from the kitchen with two beers in his hand. He offered one to Sam and then sat facing him on the opposite bed.

“Damn, Sam!” Dean said smirking. “That was a serious chick-flick moment there!”

“Don’t! Dean, don’t do that!” Sam sighed, looking hurt. “Don’t shrug it off as if it was nothing.”

“Okay, Sam.” Dean replied as he realized his mistake. “You’re right. I just don’t know what to do now.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to know what to do. We’ll figure it out together, like we always do.” Sam reached over and put his hand on Dean’s knee. “Now, talk to me.”

“About what? Didn’t I say enough?” Dean laughed. Gabriel shook his head within Dean’s line of vision. Dean sighed and looked back at Sam.

“Why do you think you’re nothing?” Sam asked quietly.

“I don’t know, Sam!” Dean’s frustration about this entire situation permeating his voice, his original feelings from this moment meshing with his more modern feelings. “Maybe because that’s all I get from Dad. Maybe because you found it so easy to walk away from me. Maybe because everyone I have ever loved didn’t think I was worth sticking around for.” Dean took a long drink from his beer. “Maybe because people don’t see me.”

“Are you kidding me?” Sam laughed. “People see you. Their eyes follow you when you walk through a room. People notice you.”

“That’s not what I mean. They notice the packaging. That’s not me! That’s some weird twist of genetics.”

“I know, Dean. Believe me, I know.” Sam smiled a quiet, small smile. He continued softly. “You’re gorgeous. The good looking brother, I know. You never let me forget it, but I have wanted you to just let me in for so long. But you don’t let anyone in. You give everybody what you think they want. The charismatic smart ass who is good for the night, but not for a long term option. You give them the shallow pretty boy and keep yourself on lockdown.” Dean shrugged in response to Sam’s words. “But, oh my God, you are so much more than that!”

Gabriel moved quickly to Dean’s side, leaned in close to Dean’s ear, and whispered, “Listen to what he is telling you. Open up to him. He’s begging you to let him in.”

Dean shook his head slowly. He needed to know something before he could let that final wall down. 

“Then how could you walk away from me, Sammy?” Dean asked sadly.

“It wasn’t easy. You said just now that I ‘found it easy’ to walk away from you, but that is so not true. I wanted you to come with me. I wanted you to walk away from Dad, but you wouldn’t. I wanted you to be with me at school and make a life there beside me. I couldn’t stay there anymore and watch him rip you up day after day. It was killing me to see you being picked apart. You did everything he asked. Everything he wanted and it wasn't enough. It was never good enough. I wanted so badly to tell you to come with me, but I knew you wouldn’t.”

“You should have asked.”

“Really? I should have asked you to choose between us? I should have asked you to choose between your hero and your ‘pain-in-the-ass’ little brother? How would that have felt when you turned me down? Huh? How would you have felt? How would I have felt being rejected by you again? You weren’t ready. And I wasn’t strong enough to risk it.”

“What are you talking about? Rejected? When did I ever reject you?”

“No, we’re not going there right now. We’re talking about you.”

“That is about me! When did I reject you?” Dean persisted.

“Dean, no! That’s not the point! The point is that I wasn’t going to continue to stay there and fight with Dad over every little thing that was wrong and not get into the really big thing that was tearing my heart out. He wouldn’t listen to me about anything, so I couldn’t fight for the thing that really mattered. It was him or me, and I wasn’t strong enough to force the issue. So I left. He’s the one who told me to never come back.”

“He regretted that. Every day.” Dean murmured. “And I wanted you back so bad. It was killing me.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam shook his head. “I wanted to call you. I dialed your number every single day, multiple times, at first. I never actually called though. I figured a clean break would be best. I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. I just couldn’t ask you to choose.”

“Sammy!” Dean said desperately. “I kept hoping you would call. I slept with my phone in my hand in case you called in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to miss your call. I didn’t understand what happened. Why you shut me out. You left me. And I had nothing.”

“I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what to say.” Sam looked down at the floor. He looked back up at his brother from under his shaggy bangs. “Did you ever think about calling me? Finding me?”

“I did find you.” Dean whispered.

“No, I mean before that night.”

“I did.” Dean stated, looking into Sam’s eyes. “I found you. I visited you on campus every few weeks, when I could get away, the whole time you were gone. I kept an eye on you the whole damn time.”

“What?” Sam laughed. “Why didn’t you let me know?”

“Why should I?” Dean shrugged. “You were happy with your life. You had friends, classes, a girlfriend. You didn’t want me in the middle of that, so why would I let you know I was there?”

“I did want you there, Dean! I needed you so bad.” Sam replied, shaking his head. “I just didn’t know how to tell you that. I wanted you to choose me. But when you didn’t on your own, I gave up. I met Jess and tried to move forward. I figured you had given up on me and didn’t want me in your life since I walked out of yours. I figured you were on Dad's side and didn't want me back. I thought I was never going to get the life I wanted, so I’d make do with the choices I had. I settled for Jess. If I hadn’t brought her into my life, she might still be alive right now.”

“Sammy! You can’t think like that!” Dean growled. “You can’t take that guilt into yourself. That’s Yellow Eyes’ fault!”

“Maybe, but it’s my fault, too.” Sam said sadly. “I couldn’t have what I wanted, so I put her in danger by choosing her.”

“Wait! What do you mean you settled for Jess? You seemed to be pretty happy with her when I first showed up.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Dean. I cared about her, and I guess I loved her. But I was never in love with her. I chose her because she was pretty and smart and normal. She was everything I should have wanted for an apple pie life. I would have been happy with her, I think. We could have had a good life together if we’d had the chance. But I never would have been completely content. There always would have been something else calling my name. Someone else I’d rather share my life with.”

Gabriel whispered in Dean’s ear again, “And there it is. Another opportunity.”

Dean looked away quickly, heart fluttering with panic. He took another long drink from his beer and got up from the bed. He stretched his back a little and then moved toward the kitchen again. Sam looked at the floor between his feet and sighed. And it was going so well there for a minute, Gabriel thought. He was completely shocked when Dean sat back down on the bed across from Sam with another beer in his hand.

“Did you want another one?” Dean asked casually.

“Nah, man! I’m good.” Sam replied. “I still have some left in this one.”

“Yeah, you always were a little bitch!” Dean joked.

“Jerk!” Sam replied, half smiling. He wasn’t willing to give up on the conversation yet, and hoped he still had Dean’s attention. “So what did you mean when you said that people you love didn’t feel like you were worth sticking around for?”

“Well, you left me.” Dean waved a hand quickly. “I know, I know. You just explained yourself. It’s okay. But Dad left me too. Well, us actually. Over and over again. And then just recently, he did it again when it was just me and him. He told me he’d be back, and then he just stayed gone. But there was Cassie, too. And Mom. I know she didn’t leave on her own the first time, but I was four when it happened. I didn’t understand why she left. It still leaves a wound even though I understand it. And when we saw her back in Lawrence, she was so focused on you. It didn’t seem like she even noticed me.”

“Well, I didn’t leave you because I didn’t think you were worth staying for. I left because I couldn’t figure out how to fight for you. Or even if it was the right thing to do.” Sam looked at Dean again, and Dean saw the flare of feeling again. “Mom probably was focused on me because she never got the chance to know me. Dad is, well, Dad. And forgive me for saying it, but you left Cassie this time.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. That wasn’t so bad. We at least got to say good-bye this time.” Dean shrugged. “I guess when you are in that pit of emotion, all kinds of things come rolling out.”

Sam laughed, his face full of dimples and teeth. “I guess you’re right.”

Dean’s eyes twinkled with joy at having made his brother laugh. It was good to see that after all the anger earlier. 

“What do we do now?” Dean asked. “We’ve yelled, talked, cried, hugged, and laughed. What else do you have on your touchy-feely douchebag agenda for today?” He saw Gabriel wince and heard him hiss in air.

“Ouch!” Sam huffed. He tried to laugh it off, but that one stung a little bit. He thought Dean might actually have been responding positively to their conversation. Sam looked away and blinked his eyes.

“Sorry, Sammy.” Dean mumbled. His eyes flicked over to Gabriel to include him in the apology. “I didn’t mean that. I guess it’s a reflex. I’ll try not to immediately go there. At least, with you anyway.”

Dean caught Sam’s eye out of the corner of his own, and Sam couldn’t help but smile. Dean really was trying. Sam lightly punched Dean’s shoulder and laughed. “Yeah, man! Save the smart ass routine for everyone else. Give me the something more!”

“I want to.” Dean said softly, ready to take the plunge. Gabriel’s eyes lit up, and he nodded briefly at Dean.

“What?” Sam asked startled. He looked at Dean, trying not to get his hopes up. Then Dean saw it. He saw the love there. But not an ordinary thing. Something extraordinary. Dean’s heart flipped over with the realization that Sam really did love him, too.

“I want to. Give you the something more.” Dean said. Gabriel continued to nod at Dean. Dean looked straight into Sam’s eyes and tried to put all of his emotions into the look he gave his brother. “You said a minute ago that you wanted me to be with you at school. What did you see us doing?”

“I don’t know, Dean.” Sam moaned. “I just wanted to protect you from what Dad was doing to you. I wanted you by my side. I wanted to build a life and have you be a big part of it.”

“I want that, too. I want to be the one you can fully trust. I want to be the one that’s always by your side.” Sam’s eyes flew up to his brother’s when he heard those words. “I told you before that I can’t do this without you. I can’t imagine any life that I have that doesn’t include you ever again. I want you to be the one I come home to at night. I want to let you in, Sammy. I want you to be the one I share my thoughts with. But be careful what you wish for on that end of things. You never know what you are going to get with me.”

Sam laughed and shook his head. “You’re right about that!”

“But it's not easy for me. You have always been able to talk about stuff. You are so much better at all of this emotional stuff than I have ever been. I don't know what I'm doing. So I need you to be patient with me. But I have to know something first, Sammy.” Dean’s eyes drifted away from Sam’s. He found Gabriel back in the corner of the room. He put his question into his eyes just for Gabriel. When he got a nod in return, he pushed forward. “I have to get an honest answer from you about something. Can you be completely honest with me? Right here, right now. With no repercussions about whatever we’re about to discuss? If you don’t like what I’m about to say, we never have to mention it again. I won’t ever bring it up again. There won’t be any lasting negative thoughts or feelings. Okay?”

“Now you’re scaring me, Dean. What do you want to know?” Sam nervously asked.

Dean slid off his bed onto his knees on the floor in front of Sam. He leaned forward to within inches of Sam’s face. He reached up with both hands and gently laid them on Sam’s cheeks, gently running his thumbs along Sam’s cheekbones. He looked deeply into Sam’s eyes, wanting to be sure that what he saw there was what he thought he saw. Sam’s eyes were softening and becoming bluer. 

“I need to know how you feel about this.” Dean whispered and leaned in placing his lips gently on Sam’s. Dean felt that touch throughout his entire body. He had never felt that much in such a gentle, barely there, kiss before. He gently pulled away and sought Sam’s eyes with his own. 

Sam sat with his eyes closed. Dean’s hands were still on his face. He moved slightly toward Dean’s left hand and rubbed his cheek back and forth before opening his eyes.

“I love that.” Sam said softly. He turned his face again and placed a gentle kiss in Dean’s palm. “I think that has to be one of my favorite things in the entire world.”

Dean sighed and sat back on his feet. He felt a tremor run down his spine and said, “Good. ‘Cause I think I just found a new hobby.” Sam laughed and rubbed his hand lightly across Dean’s shoulder. Dean looked into Sam's eyes again and whispered, "I love you, Sammy."

Sam slid onto the floor in front of Dean and placed his hands lightly on the tops of Dean's thighs. His face was slightly flushed, but he kept eye contact with his big brother. "I love you, Dean."

Dean’s eyes flicked back over to the corner where Gabriel had been, but Gabriel was gone. Dean smiled and let his chin drop to his chest. Maybe this would turn out alright after all. 

***

Many months later, on a dark highway, Dean spotted a sign for a little out-of-the-way diner claiming to have amazing pie. He looked over to where Sammy was sitting beside him on the bench seat of the Impala. He thought about pulling in and sending Sam inside for something to eat. When he noticed how content and comfortable Sam was, he decided against it. He didn’t want to disturb such bliss just for a piece of pie. He reached over to Sam and laced his fingers through his brother’s and just kept driving. He could have pie later. For now he was happy just the way he was. He lifted Sam’s hand to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on Sam’s wrist. Sam lifted his eyes and smiled one of his best dimpled smiles at his brother. 

Gabriel settled into the back seat where he was invisibly keeping an eye on the brothers and just smiled to himself. Maybe this would turn out alright after all.


End file.
